Resonating thoughts

It took me 29 years of my life to understand the true meaning of when they said "Home is where the heart is" On 12th of Oct, 2015, when I landed in Calcutta for KIFF project and started working with a complete group of strangers, they as usual as asked me the but obvious question - where is your home ? All my growing up years, I would narrate a long story - I'm currently based in xx city, but am actually a half Bengali - half Rajasthani- Hybrid as I call myself, I have studied in Shillong, Ranikhet, Nanital, Shimla & then Muscat and the story is long. Over the years I cut my story short, saying am from Delhi - the city I dreaded the most in fact. All my life no matter where I went, I was always left feeling out of place - out of home. Always moving, meeting new people and learning new tricks of adaptability but never at home. What made me feel more out of home, was returning to the my mom's native land - a) I could understand the language but never get use...

To be honest... when I was asking to meet next month... it was going to be a goodbye... I was going to ask you did you want to take things slow and eventually work on getting back together... If you said no I was going to respect your decision... But before I walked away forever I wanted to make sure I at least gave you a fair shot or atleast make sure that I tried everything before completely giving up... I guess my biggest downfall is I believe in this fairytale love that conquers all that will fight through it all... But I realize that love only exists if someone feels I am worth it... I DON'T want to look back nor interfere anymore... I saw you said she was your lady... If you two are going together that's great and I guess deep down it's what my heart needed to finally move on... I know I will be fine lol but its a healing process for me... Unconditional love also means wanting to see that person happy even if it's not with you... If she makes you happy, m...

Sometimes the impact of the incident doesn't set in immediately, for me, it set it after three days and after I was back in the familiar surrounding. I had possibly read and re-read his mail to her more than 20 times in the three days, sometimes expecting the unexpected, trying to decode as if there was some hidden message. But unfortunately there was none! It was a clear and simple message. He needed her despite me being there and he needed her more than anything. It slowly sunk in, he didnt care how I felt or what I felt and the sooner I accepted it, the faster it will be over for me.

The sense of loss is the most unexpressive sense we are possessed with. No matter how many tears we shed, how much we ignore our feelings, it always lingers in us, around us. No expression is the best expression to express how much we miss the person gone. When every waking hour, or dream or action engulfs you with the reminder, even then the feeling seems less. Nothing we do or did can express it than just the presence of the person. That is my friend – the sense of loss !

She didnot ask for a definition of who I am, but instead what I am. I could tell her over and over again, that I am a monster of the world but she already knows this, yet still lay her head on my chest and ran her fingers tracing the scars that reside on my body; comforting the wounds that are embedded within. My soul is a graveyard full of tragedies, awaiting to steal her heart and bury it amongst the tombstones. I've explained so many times, "I'am bad for you. I'll feed of your perfections to feel whole again. I'll use you and feel no shame. No guilt will leave my soul." Truth be told I wanted her to leave. Because my heart is a paradox. I could love and feel emptiness at the same time. I could show you a beautiful smile whilst feeling dead inside. I didnt want her to live such a charming lie. But that's who I am, that's what I am - A man on an endless ride!

Suddenly it all comes to a stand still… All you know is that at the moment you are still breathing and you need to go on from one second to the next. Days spent, moments spent, reasons and reasoning flash through your mind. Try as you may, but you can never at this moment figure why and the harder you try, the more painful and more difficult it gets. It’s like a house made of pack of cards, every dream, every hope, every reason to laugh and look forward to comes tumbling down and you are left alone- all alone to deal with it. You also realise, no matter what people will leave you- no matter how much you want them to stay, no matter hard you try for them to stay. I guess sometimes you have to just keep missing that person until you wake up one morning and realise you don’t anymore. For me, I hope that morning arrives soon.